Here are some funnies that I find "clean" enough for the general audience, yet with sufficient punch.
Man Who Understands Women
Now here's a man who understands women...
I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men.
They are far superior and always have been.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she will give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!
(William Golding, British Novelist, Playwright & Poet, 1911-1993)
One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for a secret,
Never to be told.
Here are some new units for solving problems that don't work using the old ones.
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
- Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
- 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
- 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
- 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
- 10 cards? = 1 decacards
- 18.1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen
- 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
- 10 rations? = 1 decoration
- 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
- 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
- 8 nickels? = 2 paradigms
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League
- 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
(from someones e-mail)
Gift Wrapping Warning
The following story will demonstrate why you should be careful when wrapping and mailing parcels; especially personal items.
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic, ...but not too personal! Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the sale clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the package with the gloves and the young man the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Pieter Jan Doedelzak
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
(source: some office e-mail)
Officer Efficiency Reports
These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (military officers performance appraisals):
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
- Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
- Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
(from someone's e-mail)
I am Lost
I've gone to look for myself.
If I should return before I get back,
Please ask me to wait!
Did you know that Sophie Dahl, granddaughter of Roald Dahl, is now the official new fashion model with her cup size DD. This ends the era of the skinny Kate Moss.
(source: De Telegraaf)
This is a story about four people named, Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
De Heere, Hij Zag
En de Heere, Hij zag hoe wij werkten,
En Hij zag wat wij deden,
En Hij zag ons salaris,
En Hij draaide zich om,
En Hij weende zacht!
(And the Lord, He saw how we were working,
And He saw what we were doing,
And He saw our salaries,
And He turned around,
And He wept softly!)
To Be Do
- To be or not to be -- Shakespeare
- To do is to be -- Nietzsche
- To be is to do -- Satre
- Do be do be do -- Sinatra
Ruin a Company
There are three ways to ruin a company:
- With women, which is the most pleasant,
- With speculation, which is the fastest,
- And with computers, which is the most certain.
- Canadians are a religious people. You can tell they trust in God by the way they drive.
- Daily prayer: "Please Lord, help me keep my big mouth shut until I know what I am talking about".(from a Delft Blue tile)
- Everything I like is either fattening, immoral or illegal.
- Seen on a bumper sticker somewhere: "Watch out for the driver in the car following me."
- In order to understand anything about a problem, you must not attempt to understand everything about it.
- Memory Expert: Any woman who just learned another woman's age.
- For the Golfers: Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
- Young bride to friend: "I am glad my parents chose my husband for me. I'd hate to think I'd picked him myself!"
- Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.
- Glasses can make driving a lot safer. Providing, of course, they are worn instead of emptied.
- If we would drive right, there would be more people left.
- Every idiot can drive fast, but to be a good driver requires all the other skills.
- "There are here a lot of immigrants from the United Kingdom."
"How can you tell?"
"There are so many people driving in the left lane!"
- A yawn may be considered bad manners, but it often is the silent expression of an honest opinion.